Commitment is a bit of an illusion. Here's why...

You may have noticed Michael my mentor said, that fear of commitment is so often just a dread of cutting off other options - and thereby feeling trapped.

But the funny thing is that, of course, now is all we ever have. Sure, decisions in the present affect the future, but we never really have to say 'forever' about anything, because we don't actually know what will happen in the future.

When I help smokers quit, I like to take pressure off by reminding them that they don't need to "be sure they'll never smoke again". Why? Because that's too much pressure.

All they need know is that right now it's not what they do. I don't need to say to myself: "I will definitely never smoke!" I doubt I will, but I don't need to think about not smoking far out into the future - right now, it's not what I do.

It's the same with anything. We never have to say 'forever' because life is a series of present moments. Really think about this; maybe what works now won't work in ten years, but maybe it will. The fact is, all of life is an exploration and wanting absolute certainty all of the time about everything is for narrow thinkers.

Trying not to make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all, and here I'm reminded of the words of the Joni Mitchell song:

"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell shares #Mikolinton cares

Overcome fear of commitment and get the real benefit of relationships

Fear of commitment is like a cruel negative voice inside your head. It's constantly whispering to you about your choices. It might be about your relationship choices. Or it might even be about something as trivial as deciding which restaurant to go to. This fear is the bugbear of decision making in general. Why? Because it constantly ambushes you with a 'what if?'

Anxiety about the future and the 'what if?' question

Now at first sight the 'what if?' question looks useful. You are considering your options. 'Shall I get into a long term relationship with this person?', for example. That's a very big question, which will have a major impact on your life. It is only sensible to think through the implications of your choice. 'What if it doesn't work out?' 'What if I meet someone else?' But we're talking of a much more serious risk.

How you can get trapped by your worries about what will happen

You see, undue anxiety about how things will turn out actually locks you into an unending series of 'what if?' dilemmas. Whatever decisions you make in life, trivial or serious, there are alwaysconsequences you cannot possibly foresee, no matter how carefully you examine your options. You want to be sure, before you make your decision, that it is the right one. That's understandable, of course, but actually, it's simply impossible.

Overcoming fear and making good decisions

What is possible is to make the best decision that you can, having informed yourself as well as you can about the implications. When you are clear about the outcome you prefer, and what it will take to make that outcome more likely, you can go ahead and get on with your chosen course of action.

So making good decisions is really about being able to relax with uncertainty, with not being in control of absolutely everything. And overcoming fear of pledging yourself to a relationship, conquering that fear of commitment - or indeed any other major decision - will actually free you up to really make the most of the opportunities that life presents.

To your relation Bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Commitmentphobes - please read!

It's a strange thing MICHAEL, as you may have noticed, that sometimes we most fear what we most need - in case it doesn't work out.

The irony is that fear of commitment may mask a desperate desire for the intimacy and security that comes from a healthy long-term relationship.

It may be that, deep down, the person fears being rejected themselves or feels that the consequences of a future relationship breakdown will be all the worse the more time they invest in that relationship.

Maybe they have experienced feeling trapped in a relationship before or perhaps they have a history of painful breakups, of hurting and being hurt. Or they may have witnessed the rocky relationships of parents and have the 'blueprint' that 'no relationship ever works out'.

The next few blogs will dig into fear of commitment and what can be done about it.

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Commitment? Check. Commitment? Check. Commitment? Boom!

Oh how hard it is to escape the vicious cycle of insecurity in relationships.

Wanting to peg someone down too quickly to see whether they're 'committed' is like trying to insist cabin crew serve you their delicious vacuum-packed fare during take off. Give it a chance!

Telling someone you love them on the first date, planning your retirement together, or talking about 'us' and 'we' prematurely applies too much pressure and saps the spontaneity and fun from the early stages.

Having to 'know how they feel' may be fair enough down the line, but asking them too soon where they see this relationship going can make them feel like they're being interrogated in a job interview.

What to do: Hold off for a while until you know each other better. Everything that exists in our Universe, as far as I know, has a time scale - including love. Don't be too quick to establish yourselves as a longstanding couple when you've known each other just a few weeks.

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Is desperation for certainty ruining your relationship?

You know MICHAEL, I think overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: 'This relationship must be exactly as I think it should be!' is a form of over-control. A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.

Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty.

Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible (complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever) is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply.

Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain.

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Is the past controlling your relationship's present?

MICHAEL he said, have you ever taken an instant disliking/liking to someone merely because they reminded you of someone else who you disliked/liked?

Some people do this with whole relationships.

Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all.

If you suspect you have been making faulty unfair comparisons between your current partner and a former one, then write a list of all the destructive traits of your former partner.

Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly. This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past.



To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Is the past controlling your relationship's present?

MICHAEL he said, have you ever taken an instant disliking/liking to someone merely because they reminded you of someone else who you disliked/liked?

Some people do this with whole relationships.

Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all.

If you suspect you have been making faulty unfair comparisons between your current partner and a former one, then write a list of all the destructive traits of your former partner.

Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly. This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past.


To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

Refuse the poison of perfectionism in your relationships

We all know that fairy tales in real life may not look like fairy tales as presented by Mr Disney.

Prince Charming may have a crooked nose, and your princess may have pigeon toes.

What am I wittering about? Being so fussy that you miss genuine relationship opportunities. I talked above about being too desperate, but it can work the other way. Expecting people to be perfect, then getting mad when their behaviour doesn't exactly accord with your imagination of how they should be is, frankly, nuts.

If people don't 'live up to' your self-made image of them, is that their fault? If you have too-tight parameters for how your love should be before you meet him or her, then you may be positioning yourself out of the market. Sure, there are things we all prefer, but some people are so specific:

"He must have green eyes (and two of them!)."

"He must wear designer jackets."

"He must have a body of a Greek god, the mind of Albert Schweitzer, and the car of a London financier."

"He must have a dollar-shaped beauty spot on his left buttock."

I kid you not; some people (usually younger people) cut off their own options to this extent.

They may defend this with: "Why should I accept anything less?!" But this misses the point that, so often, something can seem to have all the right 'parts', but when those parts are put together, you find they don't really work as well as expected.

What to do: Open your mind to the possibility that you could be mistaken in assuming you can only have a relationship with a person who fits exactly what you have imagined. And remember that you are having a relationship with a real-life person, not a phantasm of your own making.

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert) shares #Mikolinton cares

The oldest relationship mistake in the book?

I hope you like stories MICHAEL because there is an old Sufi tale that tells us a lot about a major relationship mistake.

It goes like this. Some villagers find an eagle, a bird they had never seen before. Because it was unfamiliar, they didn't feel it was like a 'real bird' at all. So they cut its beak, trimmed back its feathers, and clipped off its talons, at last deciding that now it looked like a 'proper bird'. Of course, it could no longer fly.

There you go, short and sweet, but rather profound I hope you agree.

Treating your new partner like a project that you need to work on, like something to 'improve', is disrespectful and can make the person feel like you don't appreciate them for who they are or even know them at all. Trying to get someone to wear more trendy clothes, go for the jobs you recommend, act how you think they should, begs the question: what did you see in this person to begin with?

What to do: Remember the story of the villagers and the eagle.

Dating someone new should be fun, exciting, and enjoyable. If you can monitor and influence your own behaviour during this 'getting to know' phase, then you have much more hope of getting to know whether you and they really will work together without needing to blame anyone if it doesn't work out.

Knowing what may be wrong can help us all understand more how to find what is right.

To your relationship Joy,

#Mark Tyrell (my senior relationship coach expert)  shares #Mikolinton cares

Who do you always go for Mr / Ms wrong?

If you don't do this yourself FRIEND, I bet you know a friend who does.

But let's not get too blamey. Anyone can mistakenly get together with a 'psycho'. Early on, they may be all charm and attentiveness (and you may be conveniently averting your eyes from early telltale signs - such as 24-hour surveillance on your house).

So you can't always blame yourself for getting mixed up with the psycho, but feel free to blame yourself for:

* Staying with a psycho once the signs become obvious.

* Deliberately going for someone with 'dysfunctional features' that match characteristics of someone with whom you had a past destructive relationship and then later wondering where it all went wrong

Of the two points just covered, the first one is more forgivable (since I'm in a refreshingly judgemental mood), because it can feel harder to break free once you're in. But the second one?

What to do: If you're chronically pursuing mates (to use the National Geographic term) who are obviously flawed to the extent that relationships will be painful and doomed, then at least admit this to yourself and don't be surprised that 'relationships always go wrong'. Knowing your patterns is the first step to changing them.

Don't feel too bad if you do this, it's such a common mistake

And if it's a friend who does this, why not forward them the link?

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell #Mikolinton cares

The wrong sort of games in relationships

If you're a Seinfield fan FRIEND, you might know this line. I'll try not to misquote here, but one of the characters says to Seinfeld, "You shouldn't play games in relationships!" to which he replies, "What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?"

If we view too much of life through a competitive lens, we come to treat everything like a tussle, a chance to score points and get ahead.

Trying to make someone want you more by acting 'standoffish', ignoring them, or trying to make them jealous is, of course, all about manipulation. If a relationship starts off on a basis of game playing, don't expect any winners long-term.

What to do: If you want a good quality relationship, be honest and upfront so you can both 'win' together. And refuse to be drawn into their games if that's what they do. They'll stop soon enough when they realise you aren't playing.

To your relationship bliss,

#Mark Tyrell #Mikolinton cares

5 Brutal Truths About Loving A Taurus (As Written By A Taurus)

The good, the bad, and the Taurus-ey.

Those born under the sign of the bull are described as patient and hardworking yet stubborn and possessive. Being in a relationship with a Taurus means not only finding out what makes the Taurus swoon, but also what makes them tick. Here are 5 brutal truths you should know before hitching yourself to a Taurus. (And if you're already in a relationship with one or ARE one yourself, maybe these sound eerily familiar.)

1. We won't stop arguing until we get our point across. 

My boyfriend and I argue about everything and nothing. Our tiffs are as silly as what flavor ice cream to buy for movie nights (I opt for bubblegum sherbet; he prefers vanilla) and whether we think the YouTube video we're watching is sexist. But no matter the fight, a Taurus always wants to get his or her point across and we're really not concerned whether we're right or wrong. (Pssst: We're not particularly proud of this trait because it makes us feel guilty for being so stubborn, but to be fair, we're usually not the ones to start the argument!)

2. We're easily jealous.

 A Taurus often finds herself thinking: "What if my boyfriend finds someone better?" (I'm also a professional at getting jealous of random girls I've never met!) Meeting our guy's female friends and getting to know them helps a Taurus get rid of those feelings of possessiveness and jealousy.

3. We don't often lose our tempers but when we do, it's BAD. 

Yes, Tauruses (Tauri?) are patient, but on those rare occasions when we actually lose our sh*t, we resemble a hurricane that won't quit hurrican-ing until you see our point. (See #1). (And we'll be sure to bring it up in later arguments because we're nice like that.) 

4. We're fiercely independent. 

As a Taurus, we prefer to do things by ourselves and by our own rules and schedules. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is as spontaneous as they come. Although there are moments when I find his gestures sweet and romantic, part of me is annoyed by the disruption in my color-coded and perfectly-labeled calendar. (Where do I insert "Spontaneous Date" between "Finish 1500-word article" and "Doctor Who Marathon"?) This trait also means that if a Taurus has a problem, we prefer to solve it on our own without your help.

5. But despite all of the above, we're loyal as hell. 

An important aspect in every relationship is faith and trust and if a Taurus decides to trust you that means you've most definitely earned it and we'll stay loyal to you for the long-haul. But betray our trust? You'll be lucky if we ever speak to you again. After all, we forgive, but we never forget.

Curvy Women Make Baby Geniuses (Says Science )

In news that is going to make North West very happy someday, a study has found that curvy women actually make smarter babies, thanks to all that extra fluff

The study by Pittsburgh University and lead researcher, Professor Will Lassek, found that "fat banks" in the area of a woman’s hips, thighs, and butt are pretty much the golden ticket when it comes to passing on smarts to babies during breast-feeding. As Lassek explained, “The fat in these areas is a depot for building a baby's brain. You need lots of fat to make a nervous system, and the fats in these areas are also enriched in DHA (docosahexaenoic acid), which is a particularly important component in the human brain."

Lassek went on to explain that women have evolved in such a way so as to "accumulate these fats and hold on to them," until they give birth. It is then that these "brain-building, breast-milk lipids," leave the body via nursing and why women lose weight they do nurse on a regular basis. See? It's all making sense now, isn't it?

Women's bodies, on average are made up of 30 percent fat, whereas men’s bodies are made up of only 10 percent. It is speculated that due to the fact that the human brain has increased in volume from 400ml to 1200ml over the past five million years, it would only make sense that women are fatter now than they were then. The weight gain is based on the evolutionary fact that it’s necessary to provide adequate brain capabilities to their offspring.

It is also suggested that the reason many men prefer a woman with curves is because they inherently know those women will reproduce babies that are "likely to be cleverer," according to Cambridge University’s reproductive biologist, David Bainbridge.

Far too often women criticize themselves for their "imperfect" bodies, when in actuality, their bodies are just the shape they were meant to be. Women are supposed to be heavier around the hip area for certain evolutionary and biological reasons. 

Even if you're not planning on having kids, you're just sort of stuck with what Mother Nature gave you. 

5 Reasons Your Best Friend Would Make A PERFECT Boyfriend

Why dating your best friend may be your best bet to finding true love.

There's nothing quite like feeling a spark of attraction between you and someone you just met, but lately, we've been wondering whether it's better to date a friend, or at least somebody we've known longer than just a couple of weeks, and who knows more about us than just our name and phone number. Sure, the transition from friend-to-boyfriend might feel a little weird at first, but we think that the benefits of dating one might just overrule the awkwardness.

1. He's familiar with your bad side.

Let's face it, during the first few months of dating someone new, it's easy to hold yourself together and pretend like you don't have a dark side (everybody has one). You downplay your insecurities in hope that he won't see you as clingy, and you suppress the fact that you occasionally get moody, jealous, or pointlessly angry. As a friend, he will not only be aware of your personal weaknesses, but he will know how to respond to them in a way that is constructive to the relationship and to your desire to improve yourself.

On that same note, you'll be aware of his bad fashion sense, his corny jokes, and his strange fondness for period pieces before you start dating him. Heck, you might even love him all the more for the quirks you would find annoying in anybody else.

2. You're more or less aware of each other's relationship history.

Chances are, you'll feel less self-conscious about the number of guys in your past if your boyfriend already knows about them before deciding to date you. Even better, you'll probably have an inkling of an idea about why his past relationships didn't work out. That way, both of you will have a sense of each other's relationships styles and issues and will be better prepared to deal with potential conflicts.

3. You're comfortable with each other.

It takes a few weeks (if not longer) to feel completely at ease with somebody new. Should you eat ice cream from the container in front of him? Should you reveal that you're a twenty something who still rereads Harry Potter on occasion? When dating someone who started out as a friend, you can skip the neurotic "I need to impress him" phase and go straight to wearing no makeup and nerding out together on Saturdays spent indoors.

4. It's exciting.

Dating a friend might seem less glamorous than falling in love at first sight, but what's more suspenseful than decoding a friend's flirty mixed signals for signs of romantic intentions? If the relationship goes well, you'll be swept away at how a good friend turned out to be an even better boyfriend. Trust us, you'll swear off the random guys you meet during happy hour forever!

5. There's always something to talk about.

We've all dated someone with whom we spent more time getting hot-and-heavy than in actual conversation. The moment of truth inevitably arrives during a long car ride, when you have no choice but to put on the radio because the two of you have no common interests. Aren't you ready for someone who still makes for good company even after the passion starts to plateau? Plus, just imagine the energy that you and a friend-turned-boyfriend will share after months (even years!) of pent-up romantic tension.

Do you agree with this?

Transparency in Marriage (A GREAT CONCERN FROM A MARRIED WOMAN)

My opinion is that in a marriage everything should be out in the light - nothing should be hidden. (John 3:20) If we truly love and respect our spouses this should just be a natural outflow of that love and respect. As a believer, authenticity and transparency should be our lifestyle. (I have been discovering the truth of this, and the necessity of this, more and more this past year and a half.) This mutual transparency should be a high priority in our marriages. 

I believe that authenticity and transparency brings about a vulnerability in marriage that can strengthen the relationship in a very unique and lasting way. 

A marriage is made up of two {imperfect} people. Like it or not we can never be perfect and we did not marry a perfect spouse. Because of this truth we are going to fail and make mistakes again and again. I desire to be a help meet to my husband and in doing so to bring out the best person that he can be. However, if he is not transparent and sharing his weaknesses, his faults, his failures with me then I cannot really come alongside him the way God intended me to be able to do.

 The same is true of myself, if I am not sharing my weaknesses with my husband, he cannot lead me and guide me the way God intended him to. It is a tragedy when couples deny one another the blessing of being able to encourage each other in weaknesses. One benefit of marriage is the encouragement that can come in building one another up. When one spouse is stumbling, the other can reach out and help to hold him or her up. (Proverbs 18:24, James 5:16, Hebrews 10:24, Romans 12:10) 

I am sure that technology and social media are having an affect on many marriages. We do live in a technology, social media driven culture, and as many benefits and blessings as there are to it; it can also come with a price and be a curse. It is easier than ever for husbands and wives to carry on secret, hidden relationships and private lives via this technology. We need to guard against this, and we can by being open and honest about everything.

 There must be complete transparency in our marriages in every area - including social networking and email. My husband knows my passwords (a lot can hide in the dark behind passwords - guard against this) to everything, and he reads my facebook and blog. He has open access to my email and any of my social media outlets - nothing is hidden. The same is true for his accounts. 

This is not because we do not trust each other, but instead because we respect each other and want our lives to be open and bare. I try not to befriend a male on facebook without first running it by Jim, and I just do not send private messages or emails to males. What starts up as something innocent has the potential to snowball into something catastrophic. I would rather just not even touch that. 

Proverbs 18:21 says Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose. I take this verse very, very seriously. I love words. I love writing, but I must be careful that my words are fruit not poison. I try very hard to never publicly, or even friend-to-friend speak ill of my husband (or children for that matter). 

I believe one day I will be held accountable for my words - this goes for my written and typed words as well. I try not to ever write anything on facebook or my blog that I would not say to Jim's face. Our arguments are private and not for other people to participate in. Something like this could make a great foot-hold for Satan, so I choose to {mostly} make my words sweet and upbeat. 

My biggest piece of advice for transparency in marriage is to be honest about everything, keep nothing hidden (no bank accounts, receipts, spending habits, friendships, passwords, etc. - NOTHING) and to communicate openly and often. Not talking with one another is a big step in the wrong direction. If social media and technology is driving a wedge between you and your spouse and bringing up areas of insecurity and mistrust into your relationship then just get rid of it. They are not worth sacrificing what could be your beautiful, vibrant marriage!

The Importance of Transparency in your Marriage.

'A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.’ –Dalai Lama

What is the meaning of transparency?

It means openness, honesty and clarity. When someone is very sneaky and secretive you do not trust him as everything about him has an aura of mystery. When a person is frank and candid you believe in him. It is more so in married life.

When there are secrets in your life which your spouse does not know, it makes you uncertain and apprehensive about his\her reaction when he\she comes to know about it. When someone else brings it to his\her notice, there is a big show down and it also brings into your marriage distrust and suspicion.

Can’t I have anything personal?

Should I confess everything to him\her?

She\he never understands my problems and so I find it comfortable to hide it from him\her.

He\she is secretive and so I too feel like hiding things from him\her.

Married life is built on trust and honesty and these qualities are as important as love and care. When there is transparency in married life, it brings immense comfort to your interaction with your spouse and your love for each other matures to even deeper love.

What are the things you normally hide from your spouse?

Your past love life?

Your money matters and savings?

Your friendship with the opposite sex?

Your past life is your secret.

You might have a past love and feel uneasy about the reaction of your spouse when he\she knows about it. Will your confession ruin your marriage and bring in suspicion and mistrust into it? Your doubts are very natural and true.

What is the nature of your spouse? Is he\she understanding and a caring person? Do you feel that you are cheating him\her by not confessing your past life with him\her? If you are hundred percent confident of your spouse you can confess about your past and tell him\her that it is over and done with. You feel the burden of guilt lessening and your love for your spouse increases for his\her considerate reaction .

But if your spouse is basically suspicious by nature and over possessive, your confession about your past life might stir up a hornet’s nest. He\she becomes doubtful of your every action and he\she makes your life nightmarish by questioning your whereabouts, checking your mobile phones and also spying on your mild interaction with the opposite sex. It is better to hide your past if you feel your spouse will react in such a negative way and lead your present married life with honesty and transparency.

Money matters are hidden and concealed

Money has become a top marriage destroyer in recent times. Everyone wants money as it is a status symbol. But it is sad that couples vie with each other in hiding money matters. Husband hides his money dealings from his wife and wife hides hers from her husband.

Why this lack of transparency in money matters? The fault lies with both. You do not acknowledge that your spouse is an individual with her\his own personal whims and wishes. Your spouse might want to help her\his family, but when you interfere, she\he does not want to do it with your knowledge and hides it from you and keeps you in the dark.

You must accept that he\she has certain duties to fulfill and should not intrude into it. When you overlook and accept the money dealings of your spouse, he\she does it openly and you need not break your head about where the hard earned money of your spouse is draining away.

Too much of friendship

The world has become so modern that you find it easy to be overly friendly with your colleagues of opposite sex without the knowledge of your spouse. You never know that you are digging the grave for your marriage when you do it.

It is very natural to be friendly with your colleagues when you work together. That is how it should be, but when you become too friendly with your colleague and feel like confiding in him, you are cheating your spouse emotionally. Your friendship should not cross the line and your spouse should know about him\her.

When you talk for long hours in a low tone when at home with your colleague\friend, your spouse naturally feels doubtful. When you get a call from your colleague, talk in a normal tone in the presence of your spouse which makes it a true friendship. When the call is over you can casually inform your spouse what you talked about. This is transparency for you!

‘Life is filigree work. What is written clearly is not worth much, it's the transparency that counts.’- Louis- Ferdinand Celine

When you argue that you have your personal life to lead and your spouse must accept it, you are asking for trouble. You should be frank with your spouse and he\she should also be truthful to you and when your interaction is transparent, it gives your married life the much needed clarity and clearness.

Top 15 reasons why couples break up

If we consider the history of the institution of marriage, all of us would agree that it started at the time of creation itself. Man and woman are different both biologically and in mental makeup. However, the creation would not continue if man and woman do not come together. The physical and emotional needs unite man and woman and marriages take place. Till the beginning of the twentieth century, joint families and lifetime single marriages were quite prevalent. Divorces were few and far in between. 

However, things started changing as more and more women took up careers and achieved financial independence. The dependence of women on men declined and even small disagreements were magnified to a large extent that they were considered to be impinging on the individuality. 

Let us consider the top 15 reasons why couples break up.

1. Desire to be independent.
2. Getting attracted to another person.
3. Infidelity.
4. Physical incompatibility.
5. Less attracted to the person in a sexual way.
6. Lack of proper body maintenance, like becoming too fat.
7. Conflict in tastes and desires.
8. Continuous nagging.
9. Comparing the man or woman to others constantly
10. Imparting unsolicited advice all the time
11. Addiction to alcohol or drugs
12. Deterioration in the health of one spouse or suffering from incurable ailments like HIV
13. Physical and mental abuse and exhibiting sadistic tendencies
14. Ignoring or showing disrespect to friends and relatives of one spouse Impotency or inability to bear children.

The above reasons are all chief causes for a marriage breakup. Sometimes, one reason alone might be enough for separation, while in several cases, a combination of a few of them lead to divorce. In this list, getting attracted to another person and infidelity might appear similar, but there is one important difference between them.

 In the former, the man or the woman might become more interested in another person and might think of leading a life of marriage with that person as a better option to the current life. In this case, the decision for separation from the present spouse could be taken before a physical contact with the other person. On the other hand, infidelity is actual extra-marital relationship, which is a sure marriage breaker in several cases.

In certain marriages, when the man and woman become united without a physical relationship before the marriage, the physical incompatibility might become apparent when the marriage is consummated, leading to separation. Similarly, the impotency in man or the inability of the woman to bear a child either immediately after the marriage or after several years could result in a divorce. 

The reduction in physical desire after a few years had also been a cause for the breakup of the marriage. If the health of the man or the woman deteriorates sharply or if they contract incurable diseases like HIV, the marriage might fail. Even the neglect by a spouse of maintaining the physical fitness and becoming too fat or too weak could break a marriage.

Physical and mental abuse is another major reason for divorces. Sadistic tendencies in either spouse that lead to continuous physical or mental torture usually ends in parting of ways. Too much addiction to alcohol or drugs had also led to marriage failures in several cases. 

Too much nagging by a spouse, and this is usually done more by women than men, had resulted in marriage breakup very often. The other similar reasons are comparing the man or the woman with other persons continuously and hurting the sentiments or creating an inferiority complex could also lead to divorce.

Even imparting unwarranted and unsolicited advice too often is considered as interference in the individuality, leading to disagreements. A joke is there that the psychiatrist charges you for the same advice that the wife gives you free. Too much of anything could spoil even a good relationship. 

Similarly, conflict in tastes and interests that were ignored during courtship or were considered trivial, assume a bigger shape after marriage and lead to fights. If the man or the woman ignore or show disrespect to the friends and relations of the other, that results in misunderstanding and creates irritation. Slowly, the couple starts drifting apart in such circumstances and finally part ways totally.

Finally, the financial independence achieved by women had brought in a change in their attitude. They feel that their individuality must be respected and should not be interfered with. Their economic dependence on men is much less or non-existent compared to olden days when women stayed at home. Further, the separate careers result in men and women working in different places, thus increasing not only the physical distance but also the mental distance. 

This invariably leads to separation. All these causes, either singly or in combination, end up in the couple breaking up. However, an understanding approach and a give-and-take policy would avoid divorces, if both men and women take a more tolerant attitude.

TOP 10 MOST COMMON REASONS FOR BREAKUP

When couples first start dating, they may overlook their differences, but once a relationship becomes long-term and the couple falls out of the honeymooner stage, these differences can become disastrous. The root cause of a breakup of a relationship is the selfishness that erupts in the heart of one or both partners; the love factor which was in the relationship diminishes over a period of time. Here are the most common reasons as to why marriages/ relationships break up:

Physical and/or mental abuse

This is one of the major factors which finally bring about a breakup of a marriage. This is caused by the sadistic attitude of one of the partners which was kept covered up before a marriage. The spouse who gets the brunt of it, is kept under control, and is intimidated and manipulated. There is less chance for such a relationship to continue for long.

Attraction towards another of the opposite gender

This happens because of one spouse does not give time enough for his/her partner. Communication gap, in words or physically, may develop between the two which, as it widens, paves the way for attraction of one spouse/partner towards another person of the opposite gender. 

Cheating and Infidelity

When a spouse begins to get attracted towards an unmarried person or one who is married, intimate relationships between the two develop and deepen and if the developing intimacy is not noticed by any one, it may end up in infidelity. This may go one for a long time till it is discovered causing devastation to the marriage/s and breakups. 

Constant humiliation before others

One spouse/partner may be less empathetic than the other; they have no inhibitions in speaking ill of their partner/spouse before other people. The targeted spouse is always made to feel that s/he is ‘good for nothing’; there is no regard for his/her dignity and sentiments. This is because of the selfish attitude of the targeting spouse who shows off to people that life of the two together would never be as good as it is at present without her/him. The suffering partner is invariably made to feel inferior. S/he may even have to undergo humiliation by his/her spouse before others about his/her inability to bear children. 

Constant nagging

This is again an attitude of a partner/spouse to keep the other at his/her beck-and-call. The targeted partner has to bear up with the other partner’s constant fault-finding, complaints, scolding, criticisms and frequent sarcastic remarks. There is no concern for the feelings or the respect of the partner. The tendency to nag is more common with women than with men. This is done in an effort to adjust their partner to their standards of living. When the targeted partner does things to please his/her partner, s/he comes up with new ‘points of improvements’. The suffering partner may tolerate it for a long or a short time but the breakup is inevitable...

Jealously in a relationship

Jealousy can cause great devastation in a relationship/marriage. A man or even the woman may feel that s/he is getting less attention than s/he ought to get which s/he discovers is being filtered out to someone else, even an in-law in a marriage; it can trigger a breakup in a relationship 

Repeated lying

A spouse or a partner may habitually tell lies to his/her spouse/partner. In such cases the right picture is never clear to the other spouse/partner. A constant attitude of lying can throw a relationship or a marriage into jeopardy and finally brings about a breakup. 

Incessant arguments and quarrels

A marriage or a relationship may break up if either or both partners have frequent fights with each other and fail to understand each other, when each one wants to have his/her own way, never agreeing for a compromise. The arguments go out of control and they shout at each other, throw things at each other, and abuse each other. 

Love for money more than love for the partner

A partner may love money so much that he never has enough to spare so as to share out with his/her partner. For couples before marriage, only one partner may be paying for all outings they have together or purchases made together so that the financial burden even in petty matters is not shared. This is asking for a breakup in a relationship as it becomes very dry without spending money on each other (which shows love for one another). In a marriage, if the finances are not shared equally or if there is financial secrecy or any stress in financial matters like heavy debts which one partners cares less about, it can sour the marriage bond, ending in a breakup

Repeated comparison of one’s partner with another man or woman

One partner may constantly compare his/her spouse/partner with others simply belittling them, trying to tell them that their lifestyle is not of a caliber which s/he desires. The targeted spouse/partner generally ends up developing an inferiority complex; s/he tries to match up to the standards of their partner to maintain peace and keep the relationship/marriage intact but it is of little use and it ends up in a breakup.

Compare - Unconditional love and spiritual love devoid of expectations

Ordinarily when one loves anyone there is some form of expectation attached and it is conditional. However spiritual love (Prīti) is unconditional, no matter what the circumstances are. This form of love is Divine and only develops after a considerable amount of spiritual practice when one perceives God in everyone. So also, we become happier individuals when our love is not adulterated or diluted by expectations.



The above diagram shows how worldly love i.e. love with expectation is based on the similarities with another person’s nature. But there is no guarantee that all aspects of our nature will be similar or complement the other person’s nature. The strife and trouble begins once we discover the difference.



On the other hand, spiritual love is based on the unchanging Soul. This is akin to how a string links the beads on a necklace whatever the shape, colour or size – the external nature is not important. The hole in each bead represents our Soul, which is the same for all of us i.e. the God in one is not in any way different from the God within another.


Courtesy: Spiritual Science Research foundation


Do you believe in the report from this research?

Love & Spirituality: How to Tell If You're Spiritually Connected

So, you’ve been dating for a while now. Things have been going great. You’ve laughed together. You’ve had some lengthy conversations. You have plenty in common. You’re both very attracted to each other. You think the world of each other.

And yet— something isn’t clicking. You just can’t put your finger on what’s wrong. On paper it’s a match made in heaven. Still, something is just not right.

What you may be missing is spiritual connection.

What Is Spiritual Connection?

Everyone has a “perfect match” checklist, just like the kind they ask you to fill out for a dating service. In theory, the more of each other’s boxes you can tick off, the more well suited you are for each other. But what works in theory doesn’t always work when put into practice.

It goes deeper than your surface needs or earthly desires. A spiritual connection is when your souls are attracted to each other and are in sync.

A spiritual connection can happen with more of those boxes ticked off, but it’s never a guarantee. It goes deeper than your surface needs or earthly desires. A spiritual connection is when you’re souls are attracted to each other and are in sync.

Two people who have a spiritual connection are not just properly aligned, like puzzle pieces that fit together side by side; they bond.
That’s why love is often called chemistry— when you combine certain elements, they combine together to create a new unified whole.

Signs of Spiritual Connection

Spiritual connections are usually perceived on a much deeper level. Once sparked, you feel closer to the person in question, the way you feel about your family and other permanent people in your life. It can be almost like you’ve known them forever on some level (and maybe you have).

Once spiritually connected, you can get really comfortable with each other. You probably notice you have different sides to your personality— you have the side you show your close family/friends and the side you put on in public at large. When a spiritual connection is sparked, you are able to drop that public persona and let the other person get to know the real you.

When you spiritually connect with someone, it usually goes beyond sharing interests, hobbies, religion, political ideologies, education or things like that. When you connect spiritually, you realize you share deeper things— values, principles, a way of looking at the world or a particular point of view.

What a Spiritual Connection Means in a Relationship

You can’t really know when or if you’ll ever spiritually connect to someone. You can never really tell if that “chemical reaction” is going to take place and you can’t know how long it will take. You can only try to get to know each other and give each other a chance.

The relationship doesn’t have to be perfect— and you can still lack compatibility, even if you don’t lack mutual passion. Just because you’re spiritually connected doesn’t automatically mean a happily ever after, and sometime a break up, though hard, is the best thing for both of you. This can sometimes be dangerous— it’s harder to walk away from a bad relationship when that connection is there, even if it’s necessary.

If and when you do spiritually connect with someone with whom you are also very compatible, the relationship is taken to a whole new level. It’s that spiritual connection that can really drive the passion. When you connect mind, body and soul, you have all the ingredients for success.